Disclaimer: I having been thinking about what I was going to write in this blog for a while now. I apologize if this is raw and confusing or even if people feel like they are being attacked or if I offend anyone. Writing has always been a way for me to express myself and I am doing it in a public forum to share my experience and to let others know that they aren't alone. There may be some graphic details. (this might also be a LONG blog, and jump all over the place. This was also very emotional for me to write)
The worst of it....
I have always used writing as a way to process things; break ups, grief, fights with friends. On January 15, 2010 my life changed, not for the better, Dustin and I had a miscarriage. We found out that we were pregnant Dec 23, 2009 while we were home for Christmas, and we were able to tell our parents on Christmas Eve. All our dreams, hopes for our child came to a halt. This experience was very tramatic, not just for me but for Dustin too. Certain moments still haunt me and possibly always will.
One of the things that angers me, never joke with a pregnant woman about being paranoid. I went to the ER on January 13 with some bleeding. I hadn't bled at all during the pregnancy and we went in as a precaution. The good thing that came out of it was I got to hear our babies heart beat. Dustin and I were upset that he didn't get to hear it. But were happy our baby was doing well(at that point). To be frank it seriously pissed me off that people joked with me about that and days later I had a miscarriage. I wanted to scream at them and say "apparently I wasn't paranoid, was I." NEVER joke about this with a person when they are bleeding, I was terrified. I wanted support not criticisim.
Hearing the ultrasound tech say "I can't find a heartbeat" made my heart sink and break. I remembered days earlier that I had heard our babies heart beat. I felt horriable delievering this news to Dustin because we both knew what the Dr was going to come in and say to us.
When the Dr did come in to tell us that I was having a miscarriage he looked sort of lost and confused. I asked him if he knew what had caused it was, he just looked baffled. He said multiple times that my numbers were good, that he didn't know what had caused it. I'm pretty sure I may have ruined his nice, and I felt bad for him.
After all was said and done we were informed that I would have to go to Walmart to get my perscription filled. I mean really?!? Who after one of the most tramatic experiences of their life wants to go to Walmart with a tear stained face, heart broken and in pain? We get to Walmart and are told that we will have to wait for an hour....the employee did tell us that we could go to Walgreens or a CVS to get it filled, which we did and got them in 15 minutes.
Sorry to back track but on trip to the ER, the night of my miscarriage, I did not appreciate the ER staff treating me like I was a paranoid pregnant woman either. I was in pain, like I had to sit down the cramps and pain were so intense. I knew something was wrong.
One of the things that will haunt me probably forever was having to tell our parents. I felt horriable before I even made the phone call because it was my mom's birthday. I called my Dad, my mom was still at work, and just blurted out that I had lost the baby. I 2000+ miles away could feel my dad's heart break. After he got over the shock of me being pregnant, he was over the moon and so was my mom. Over the period of the next couple of days or weeks even, the only people I would talk to on the phone were my parents and on occasion my brother. After I called my Dad, Dustin called his family. He was unable to get the the words out, and this broke my heart. I was angry, why did this happen to us.
Ugh the next and most tramatic part for me is hard to write and I haven't openly discussed it with many people.( like 4) It makes me feel guilty and like I am the most horriable person/mother ever. The hardest thing for me to deal with was I am pretty sure I passed the baby in the toilet.... so I beat myself up over the fact that I flushed my baby. I was passing a lot of tissue and before the internal ultrasound they told me to use the restroom, and that is when I passed a lot of tissue. And when they did the exam they kept saying that all that was there was blood and mucus. (I warned that it was going to be graphic) I know there was nothing I could have done, and some people will tell me that I don't know that for sure... For the longest time I felt guilty for this, humiliated, like I was a bad person or a bad mother for "flushing my own baby." I would cry and say this to Dustin and this would break his heart because nothing he said, or tried to do could make it better.
For the longest time, even at times now. There are times that I never want to try again. This is/was of the most painful experiences. I had nightmares that were so bad I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid of what I was going to dream. (examples: babies, babies dying, my mom dying, aliens trying to kill me, clowns (I hate clowns), dustin trying to kill me and tons more).
People that think or said that I was only 5 (7 gestational) weeks pregnant, that I wasn't that far along, thinking I should get over it fast because I hadn't been pregnant that long. Here is what I have to say about that. Kiss my butt. The second I/we found out we were pregnant we loved that baby and we wanted that baby. It was our baby, we begun planning our life with that baby (going home for Christmas in '10), had hopes and dreams about our baby. Would you say that to someone who had just lost a full term baby? That is so insensitive. And saying it's better that it happened sooner than later....really? the whole experience is tramatizing, WE just lost a baby!
My anger
For a while, after the numbing pain, I was angry. I was angry at every pregnant person I saw, every baby I saw, pretty much anything that involved babies. I was angry that they were having a healthy pregnancy/baby and I had just lost mine.
I tortured myself with watching Teen mom and re runs of 16 & pregnant. I grew angry at these people, and others that didn't appreciate their children and how lucky they were to have them. Mom's that dumped their kids off on other people to watch/raise pissed me off. I wanted a baby, and here are other people taking theirs for granted. I later learned that watching these shows bothered Dustin, but he had never said anything to me. I told him that we could stop watching them if he wanted and I would watch them alone. He told me that if I could sit and watch them, then he could too. I thought this was sweet, but I told him that we both grieve diffrently, that this was my way. But he continued to watch the shows with me.
The worst of it....
I have always used writing as a way to process things; break ups, grief, fights with friends. On January 15, 2010 my life changed, not for the better, Dustin and I had a miscarriage. We found out that we were pregnant Dec 23, 2009 while we were home for Christmas, and we were able to tell our parents on Christmas Eve. All our dreams, hopes for our child came to a halt. This experience was very tramatic, not just for me but for Dustin too. Certain moments still haunt me and possibly always will.
One of the things that angers me, never joke with a pregnant woman about being paranoid. I went to the ER on January 13 with some bleeding. I hadn't bled at all during the pregnancy and we went in as a precaution. The good thing that came out of it was I got to hear our babies heart beat. Dustin and I were upset that he didn't get to hear it. But were happy our baby was doing well(at that point). To be frank it seriously pissed me off that people joked with me about that and days later I had a miscarriage. I wanted to scream at them and say "apparently I wasn't paranoid, was I." NEVER joke about this with a person when they are bleeding, I was terrified. I wanted support not criticisim.
Hearing the ultrasound tech say "I can't find a heartbeat" made my heart sink and break. I remembered days earlier that I had heard our babies heart beat. I felt horriable delievering this news to Dustin because we both knew what the Dr was going to come in and say to us.
When the Dr did come in to tell us that I was having a miscarriage he looked sort of lost and confused. I asked him if he knew what had caused it was, he just looked baffled. He said multiple times that my numbers were good, that he didn't know what had caused it. I'm pretty sure I may have ruined his nice, and I felt bad for him.
After all was said and done we were informed that I would have to go to Walmart to get my perscription filled. I mean really?!? Who after one of the most tramatic experiences of their life wants to go to Walmart with a tear stained face, heart broken and in pain? We get to Walmart and are told that we will have to wait for an hour....the employee did tell us that we could go to Walgreens or a CVS to get it filled, which we did and got them in 15 minutes.
Sorry to back track but on trip to the ER, the night of my miscarriage, I did not appreciate the ER staff treating me like I was a paranoid pregnant woman either. I was in pain, like I had to sit down the cramps and pain were so intense. I knew something was wrong.
One of the things that will haunt me probably forever was having to tell our parents. I felt horriable before I even made the phone call because it was my mom's birthday. I called my Dad, my mom was still at work, and just blurted out that I had lost the baby. I 2000+ miles away could feel my dad's heart break. After he got over the shock of me being pregnant, he was over the moon and so was my mom. Over the period of the next couple of days or weeks even, the only people I would talk to on the phone were my parents and on occasion my brother. After I called my Dad, Dustin called his family. He was unable to get the the words out, and this broke my heart. I was angry, why did this happen to us.
Ugh the next and most tramatic part for me is hard to write and I haven't openly discussed it with many people.( like 4) It makes me feel guilty and like I am the most horriable person/mother ever. The hardest thing for me to deal with was I am pretty sure I passed the baby in the toilet.... so I beat myself up over the fact that I flushed my baby. I was passing a lot of tissue and before the internal ultrasound they told me to use the restroom, and that is when I passed a lot of tissue. And when they did the exam they kept saying that all that was there was blood and mucus. (I warned that it was going to be graphic) I know there was nothing I could have done, and some people will tell me that I don't know that for sure... For the longest time I felt guilty for this, humiliated, like I was a bad person or a bad mother for "flushing my own baby." I would cry and say this to Dustin and this would break his heart because nothing he said, or tried to do could make it better.
For the longest time, even at times now. There are times that I never want to try again. This is/was of the most painful experiences. I had nightmares that were so bad I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid of what I was going to dream. (examples: babies, babies dying, my mom dying, aliens trying to kill me, clowns (I hate clowns), dustin trying to kill me and tons more).
People that think or said that I was only 5 (7 gestational) weeks pregnant, that I wasn't that far along, thinking I should get over it fast because I hadn't been pregnant that long. Here is what I have to say about that. Kiss my butt. The second I/we found out we were pregnant we loved that baby and we wanted that baby. It was our baby, we begun planning our life with that baby (going home for Christmas in '10), had hopes and dreams about our baby. Would you say that to someone who had just lost a full term baby? That is so insensitive. And saying it's better that it happened sooner than later....really? the whole experience is tramatizing, WE just lost a baby!
My anger
For a while, after the numbing pain, I was angry. I was angry at every pregnant person I saw, every baby I saw, pretty much anything that involved babies. I was angry that they were having a healthy pregnancy/baby and I had just lost mine.
I tortured myself with watching Teen mom and re runs of 16 & pregnant. I grew angry at these people, and others that didn't appreciate their children and how lucky they were to have them. Mom's that dumped their kids off on other people to watch/raise pissed me off. I wanted a baby, and here are other people taking theirs for granted. I later learned that watching these shows bothered Dustin, but he had never said anything to me. I told him that we could stop watching them if he wanted and I would watch them alone. He told me that if I could sit and watch them, then he could too. I thought this was sweet, but I told him that we both grieve diffrently, that this was my way. But he continued to watch the shows with me.
When I'm saying I never want to try again, or am scared to try again, or express myself... don't tell me to get over it. Joking or not joking, its insensitive. What really ticked me off is I have been very supportive to many people through many things, and I felt that they were not there for me, that just because I wouldn't pick up the phone, they didn't try. Yes, I at times I act like I have it all together, but we all know that I can put on a brave face when I am a mess. Maybe this is me being selfish, but I felt like I was left in the dust by those who are ment to be my friends.
I will admit that while watching an episode of Ugly Betty, the episode that Betty's sister has a miscarriage, when the ultra sound tech said there was no heart beat. I demanded that he turn it off. The scenario seemed sort of mimic ours and I wasn't ready for that part yet. Now, it has gotten better. I watched an episode of Brothers and Sisters where someone had a miscarriage, it made me cry, but I was able to muddle through it. I was happy that her reaction was closer to reality than that of the Ugly Betty episode.
The silver lining
I would like to thank my husband. Many people seem to forget that he lost a baby too. He was amazing during this whole experience. I know it wasn't easy for him to see me in so much pain, to see my cry over and over again, and beat myself up. He felt beyond helpless because there was nothing that he could do to make it better, to fix it. What he did do was be supportive, listen to me when I was ready to talk, didn't make me talk abou things until I was ready. He didn't try to hide his emotions and was sad with me. He made sure that I ate, took my medicine on time. What some people don't realize is that we were married for 5 months when I had the miscarriage, we were still newly weds. The silver lining was that we learned just how strong our relationship is, that we have the ability to make it through hard things with each other. (not that we had any doubts, but I think that you get what I'm saying)
One thing that helped me cope was that there was probably something wrong with the baby. The chromosones didn't split correctly, or something didn't go right. That it was natures way of taking care of something that was wrong. (I took the prenatals, changed my diet (cut down on caffeine, was down to one soda a day, less junk food, drank loads more water)
Something that was hard for me was that my family was so far away and all my friends. My family and Dustin's family were the only people we talked to in the following days.
I apologize to people that feel that I shut them out. I really didn't want to talk to anyone, for numerous rumors. I hate when people walk on egg shells, treat me like a charity case, and have akward conversation because people don't know what to say. I also wasn't ready. I communicated a bit in text message, but I wasn't ready to go outside of my bubble. I was emotional and I didn't want to bawl on the phone with my friends making things more akward. Not to mention some of the things people were saying to me were just making me angry, I know that they were ment to help comfort me but until you are in that situation, you don't know how they can be interpreted.
Things like:
Your young you can try again- I know we can try again, we wanted this baby, we loved this baby.
It's better it happened now than later on- (in referal to Dustin not being in AL was acceptable, because I didn't have to go through it alone. I know Christy or Steve would have gone with me if I asked or my parents would have came down) but in the other context. Our baby was alive to us what diffrence does it make if it's early in pregnancy than later? We weren't as attached? We loved this baby, very very very much. We were parents.
"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Come on...really? I've been through enough stuff in life, this is a lesson I've already learned. Appreciate your loved ones, always let those you love know how you feel, that things don't always work out the way you plan, appreciate every day, etc.
I'm not trying to knock support that people gave me. I really appreciated all the support from friends, family, etc. I know people didn't say it to hurt me, didn't realize their words hurt me. I'm saying something so if you know another person you can pick your words more carefully. The things that made me feel good were the "i'm here when you are ready to talk," "take it one day at a time", people reminding me that they loved us, cared about us.
I am finally in a better place. It still hurts at times, and it probably always will. I know that there is a possiblity that this could happen again when/if we try again, that even though I don't know if I could handle the pain of it all again, I want to try again. Dustin and I both want to try again, we both want to be parents.
If anyone has any questions ask away. I'm sorry if this blog upsets anyone, it's not ment to. It was the final process of my grieving process, that is still in process, but the last big step.
I found a website that helped me so much www.miscarriagesupport.com
I apologize if this is a downer, I will post some happier blogs. I promise.
Once again thank you for all the support, kind wishes, thoughts, prayers, etc. I again apologize for shutting the world out, but it was my way of dealing with it. I want to thank my husband for being beyond amazing, family for being supportive.
