Is it what I think it was?

So I was lounging on our couch, think I might have a cold, listening to Dustin play X-box and playing on the computer (not directly on my lap, on a pillow so I don't overheat the baby) and I felt something weird. What I think I felt was the baby move, it felt like a internal tickle that was on my right side by my belly button. It wasn't gas.

So then I tell Dustin I think I felt the baby move, so I got online to see if you can feel the baby move. I know it's only a few ounces and about 3 inches but.. it was the weirdest thing..

what do you think? baby move or me just being crazy?

Been waiting a while to make this post

I've been waiting to do this post FOREVER!! So at my Dr appointment I told the Dr that there was a small possibility that I could be pregnant, so we postponed the tests that he wanted to do before he started me on clomid.

So on Oct 17th, 10 days before my missed period I decided I'd take a test. I got a box of 4 so I'd try again in a few days. I didn't feel pregnant, but I just had a feeling. And the test came out positive!!1 I was so excited I ran into the bed, flipped on the light, and scared the daylights out of Dustin. Then I thrust the pregnancy test in his face. He was trying to figure out what I was shoving in his face, then he realized what it was and that I had just peed on it. All that left his mind when he realized what it said.

So here we are 12 weeks and few days pregnant and over the moon. We had a little bit of a scare in the begining of Nov, but baby bug is doing great. :)

I have had morning sickness, but it made me super happy because it ment the baby was doing what they were supposed to be doing. Only other scare I had was when I got the stomach flu. Dustin called the Dr for me and they told him it was morning sickness progressing along. I knew this was not the case because the vomiting was more violent... I would stand there until my body forced something to come up.. and then after dustin picked up my perscription did the other symptoms start. I was grateful to get the anti nausea meds though, they helped me get over hte bug faster. At work people had it for 3-5 days and some of the kid's parents ended up in the hospital.

My one continual food aversion is mashed potatoes. Doesn't matter how they are done, seasoned, or with gravy.. I can't stand them. This makes me sad. I also hate chocolate 1/2 the time.

We are planning on finding out what we are having, I wanted it to be a surprise but after what happened last time, I have changed my mind. Not really sure why, but I want to know.

Hate playing the waiting game

So I have finally given in and went to the doctor. Ok let me back track a little bit. Since my miscarriage I have not had a regular period cycle. Meaning I wasn't regular at all. For instance I started my period Aug 3rd 2010 on day 27 of my cycle and I started my period on day 45, Sept 17 2010. So I went in and asked them to do blood work because something is off. I went in April, to the base dr, and they said that they didn't want to blood tests it was to soon after the miscarriage and that my body hadn't regulated itself yet. They also said that the only thing they could do for me was perscribe me birth control to help regulate my cycle.

I hate birth control, I hate how it makes me feel and I hate that it can make me emotionally unstable.

So I went to the doctor on the 13th, where I explained my situation, and I had been in there 2 times previously with in 30 days, one I was sick and the other was a yearly female appointment. I love my doctor, she listens to me and I feel like I'm heard, not treated like I am an idiot. I also mentioned to her about what the dr on base told me. She gave me this look like that doctor was stupid. She even asked why in the world would he do that, if you want to get pregnant why wouldn't have give you something to help you ovulate?"

So they took my blood, about 6 vials to be exact, and tested a bunch of diffrent things; thyroid, progesterone levels, blood sugar, for anemia, pregnancy and a few others that I can't remember. So I am waiting for the results, which is driving me crazy because I want answers, I want something where I can say oooo that makes sense. And then we can figure out what the next step is. The doctor said she would call me when she got all of the results and I asked when that could be, she said some of the results she would get that day and the others would take about a week.

Best case it's my thyroid. If it's not my thyroid I will be refered to an ob/gyn, and looking a possibly getting an ultrasound to see if something is going on. My doctor was fishing for cysts but I told her that I had zero pain, wasn't tender to the touch etc.

So now it's hurry up and wait. Blah.

Ramblings of someone who can't sleep due to meds

So much has changed since the last time I blogged, we bought a house, family has came to visit, trips to orlando, and we celebrated our one year anniversary. I have been horriable with keeping up with my blog, but am going to make an effort to try to do this on a semi regular basis. I wish there was an app so I could update it from my phone, like my facebook. Life has been changing and going by to fast. Between work, family visiting, and all the regular life events I don't have a lot of computer time. I'm hoping to have some time next weekend to update my blog, we shall see. I'm not even sure if anyone really cares about what I put up.

I currently can't sleep because I have cough syrup that I am taking. It's supposed to make me drowsy...and that is a big negative. I'm tired but no sleep. So once it wears off I may get some sleep. Why did I take it if I know it makes it so I can't sleep? Or why not take it during the day? Well the cough syrup is a narcotic so I can't take it and drive anywhere, not to mention that there is the rare chance that it may actually work the way it's supposed to. I am odd dayquil, children's non-drowsy tylenol makes me drowsy while the stuff that is supposed to make me tired turns me into a zombie, wishing I could sleep. If I don't take the syrup I cough a ton all night, and then all day.

So I'm going to hit the hay. Hope to be blogging in a weekish.

Listen to Emotional Expression

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Have a lot on my mind and this song seems to fit my mood.

Back Around- Demi Lovato

What did I do to deserve this?
Tell me the truth and don't lie
You're pretty good at that but, no not this time
You walk around like you run the world
Running your mouth, and talking about me now,
They think that you're the perfect girl,
They're gonna see everything so get back

It's gonna come back around
You know that this town is just too small and not too tall to take this again
You just too adverse but I have got news
You know you're just gonna lose
Everything and everyone that means so much to you.

I'm feeling bad for,
You are alone and nobody cares that you are
One look into your eyes,
Easy to see what you could be but you're not
I say it's time that you give in,
Since it was real, you cannot fulfill, you're over
You feel your heart beat deep down
Ignoring the shame of causing this pain,
Just get out

It's gonna come back around
You know that this town is just too small and not too tall to take this again
You just too adverse but I got news
You know you're just gonna lose
Everything and everyone that means so much to you.

Someway
You keep hearing everything that people say
And you can't take the pain another day

It's coming back around
I told you this town was just small

You're just too adverse but you can stop now
Cuz it's gonna come back around
And around and around and around and around
Yeah yeah

It's gonna come back around
You know that this town is just too small and not too tall (Too tall)
To take this, take this again [Whoa]
You're just too adverse but I've got news
You know you're just gonna lose
Everything and everyone that means so much to you
Everything and everyone that means so much to you
Everything and everyone that means so much to you.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/demi_lovato/#share

Lifes hardest lessons are the ones you don't want to learn, or repeat.

Disclaimer: I having been thinking about what I was going to write in this blog for a while now. I apologize if this is raw and confusing or even if people feel like they are being attacked or if I offend anyone. Writing has always been a way for me to express myself and I am doing it in a public forum to share my experience and to let others know that they aren't alone. There may be some graphic details. (this might also be a LONG blog, and jump all over the place. This was also very emotional for me to write)


The worst of it....

I have always used writing as a way to process things; break ups, grief, fights with friends. On January 15, 2010 my life changed, not for the better, Dustin and I had a miscarriage. We found out that we were pregnant Dec 23, 2009 while we were home for Christmas, and we were able to tell our parents on Christmas Eve. All our dreams, hopes for our child came to a halt. This experience was very tramatic, not just for me but for Dustin too. Certain moments still haunt me and possibly always will.

One of the things that angers me, never joke with a pregnant woman about being paranoid. I went to the ER on January 13 with some bleeding. I hadn't bled at all during the pregnancy and we went in as a precaution. The good thing that came out of it was I got to hear our babies heart beat. Dustin and I were upset that he didn't get to hear it. But were happy our baby was doing well(at that point). To be frank it seriously pissed me off that people joked with me about that and days later I had a miscarriage. I wanted to scream at them and say "apparently I wasn't paranoid, was I." NEVER joke about this with a person when they are bleeding, I was terrified. I wanted support not criticisim.

Hearing the ultrasound tech say "I can't find a heartbeat" made my heart sink and break. I remembered days earlier that I had heard our babies heart beat. I felt horriable delievering this news to Dustin because we both knew what the Dr was going to come in and say to us.

When the Dr did come in to tell us that I was having a miscarriage he looked sort of lost and confused. I asked him if he knew what had caused it was, he just looked baffled. He said multiple times that my numbers were good, that he didn't know what had caused it. I'm pretty sure I may have ruined his nice, and I felt bad for him.

After all was said and done we were informed that I would have to go to Walmart to get my perscription filled. I mean really?!? Who after one of the most tramatic experiences of their life wants to go to Walmart with a tear stained face, heart broken and in pain? We get to Walmart and are told that we will have to wait for an hour....the employee did tell us that we could go to Walgreens or a CVS to get it filled, which we did and got them in 15 minutes.

Sorry to back track but on trip to the ER, the night of my miscarriage, I did not appreciate the ER staff treating me like I was a paranoid pregnant woman either. I was in pain, like I had to sit down the cramps and pain were so intense. I knew something was wrong.

One of the things that will haunt me probably forever was having to tell our parents. I felt horriable before I even made the phone call because it was my mom's birthday. I called my Dad, my mom was still at work, and just blurted out that I had lost the baby. I 2000+ miles away could feel my dad's heart break. After he got over the shock of me being pregnant, he was over the moon and so was my mom. Over the period of the next couple of days or weeks even, the only people I would talk to on the phone were my parents and on occasion my brother. After I called my Dad, Dustin called his family. He was unable to get the the words out, and this broke my heart. I was angry, why did this happen to us.

Ugh the next and most tramatic part for me is hard to write and I haven't openly discussed it with many people.( like 4) It makes me feel guilty and like I am the most horriable person/mother ever. The hardest thing for me to deal with was I am pretty sure I passed the baby in the toilet.... so I beat myself up over the fact that I flushed my baby. I was passing a lot of tissue and before the internal ultrasound they told me to use the restroom, and that is when I passed a lot of tissue. And when they did the exam they kept saying that all that was there was blood and mucus. (I warned that it was going to be graphic) I know there was nothing I could have done, and some people will tell me that I don't know that for sure... For the longest time I felt guilty for this, humiliated, like I was a bad person or a bad mother for "flushing my own baby." I would cry and say this to Dustin and this would break his heart because nothing he said, or tried to do could make it better.

For the longest time, even at times now. There are times that I never want to try again. This is/was of the most painful experiences. I had nightmares that were so bad I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid of what I was going to dream. (examples: babies, babies dying, my mom dying, aliens trying to kill me, clowns (I hate clowns), dustin trying to kill me and tons more).

People that think or said that I was only 5 (7 gestational) weeks pregnant, that I wasn't that far along, thinking I should get over it fast because I hadn't been pregnant that long. Here is what I have to say about that. Kiss my butt. The second I/we found out we were pregnant we loved that baby and we wanted that baby. It was our baby, we begun planning our life with that baby (going home for Christmas in '10), had hopes and dreams about our baby. Would you say that to someone who had just lost a full term baby? That is so insensitive. And saying it's better that it happened sooner than later....really? the whole experience is tramatizing, WE just lost a baby!

My anger

For a while, after the numbing pain, I was angry. I was angry at every pregnant person I saw, every baby I saw, pretty much anything that involved babies. I was angry that they were having a healthy pregnancy/baby and I had just lost mine.
I tortured myself with watching Teen mom and re runs of 16 & pregnant. I grew angry at these people, and others that didn't appreciate their children and how lucky they were to have them. Mom's that dumped their kids off on other people to watch/raise pissed me off. I wanted a baby, and here are other people taking theirs for granted. I later learned that watching these shows bothered Dustin, but he had never said anything to me. I told him that we could stop watching them if he wanted and I would watch them alone. He told me that if I could sit and watch them, then he could too. I thought this was sweet, but I told him that we both grieve diffrently, that this was my way. But he continued to watch the shows with me.

When I'm saying I never want to try again, or am scared to try again, or express myself... don't tell me to get over it. Joking or not joking, its insensitive. What really ticked me off is I have been very supportive to many people through many things, and I felt that they were not there for me, that just because I wouldn't pick up the phone, they didn't try. Yes, I at times I act like I have it all together, but we all know that I can put on a brave face when I am a mess. Maybe this is me being selfish, but I felt like I was left in the dust by those who are ment to be my friends.

I will admit that while watching an episode of Ugly Betty, the episode that Betty's sister has a miscarriage, when the ultra sound tech said there was no heart beat. I demanded that he turn it off. The scenario seemed sort of mimic ours and I wasn't ready for that part yet. Now, it has gotten better. I watched an episode of Brothers and Sisters where someone had a miscarriage, it made me cry, but I was able to muddle through it. I was happy that her reaction was closer to reality than that of the Ugly Betty episode.


The silver lining

I would like to thank my husband. Many people seem to forget that he lost a baby too. He was amazing during this whole experience. I know it wasn't easy for him to see me in so much pain, to see my cry over and over again, and beat myself up. He felt beyond helpless because there was nothing that he could do to make it better, to fix it. What he did do was be supportive, listen to me when I was ready to talk, didn't make me talk abou things until I was ready. He didn't try to hide his emotions and was sad with me. He made sure that I ate, took my medicine on time. What some people don't realize is that we were married for 5 months when I had the miscarriage, we were still newly weds. The silver lining was that we learned just how strong our relationship is, that we have the ability to make it through hard things with each other. (not that we had any doubts, but I think that you get what I'm saying)

One thing that helped me cope was that there was probably something wrong with the baby. The chromosones didn't split correctly, or something didn't go right. That it was natures way of taking care of something that was wrong. (I took the prenatals, changed my diet (cut down on caffeine, was down to one soda a day, less junk food, drank loads more water)

Something that was hard for me was that my family was so far away and all my friends. My family and Dustin's family were the only people we talked to in the following days.

I apologize to people that feel that I shut them out. I really didn't want to talk to anyone, for numerous rumors. I hate when people walk on egg shells, treat me like a charity case, and have akward conversation because people don't know what to say. I also wasn't ready. I communicated a bit in text message, but I wasn't ready to go outside of my bubble. I was emotional and I didn't want to bawl on the phone with my friends making things more akward. Not to mention some of the things people were saying to me were just making me angry, I know that they were ment to help comfort me but until you are in that situation, you don't know how they can be interpreted.

Things like:
Your young you can try again- I know we can try again, we wanted this baby, we loved this baby.

It's better it happened now than later on- (in referal to Dustin not being in AL was acceptable, because I didn't have to go through it alone. I know Christy or Steve would have gone with me if I asked or my parents would have came down) but in the other context. Our baby was alive to us what diffrence does it make if it's early in pregnancy than later? We weren't as attached? We loved this baby, very very very much. We were parents.

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Come on...really? I've been through enough stuff in life, this is a lesson I've already learned. Appreciate your loved ones, always let those you love know how you feel, that things don't always work out the way you plan, appreciate every day, etc.


I'm not trying to knock support that people gave me. I really appreciated all the support from friends, family, etc. I know people didn't say it to hurt me, didn't realize their words hurt me. I'm saying something so if you know another person you can pick your words more carefully. The things that made me feel good were the "i'm here when you are ready to talk," "take it one day at a time", people reminding me that they loved us, cared about us.


I am finally in a better place. It still hurts at times, and it probably always will. I know that there is a possiblity that this could happen again when/if we try again, that even though I don't know if I could handle the pain of it all again, I want to try again. Dustin and I both want to try again, we both want to be parents.

If anyone has any questions ask away. I'm sorry if this blog upsets anyone, it's not ment to. It was the final process of my grieving process, that is still in process, but the last big step.

I found a website that helped me so much www.miscarriagesupport.com

I apologize if this is a downer, I will post some happier blogs. I promise.

Once again thank you for all the support, kind wishes, thoughts, prayers, etc. I again apologize for shutting the world out, but it was my way of dealing with it. I want to thank my husband for being beyond amazing, family for being supportive.